Reflections

Fly High Suzaku

Disclaimer: This post is not an attempt to explain myself for all my mistakes in the past, for what I did does not define me as a person, but it helps me to become a better person than I was yesterday.

“You’ve seen my descent, now watch my rising”- Rumi.

For when I thought that I was at the peak moment in my prime years- I was actually descending and gravity was pulling me down in a very strong force that I could not control- resulting to one of my greatest downfall in my 34 years of existence. 

For the past months, my life was a mess; I was heartbroken, I’d been cheated, I was not myself and pretending to be someone just to fit in, I was lying to myself and to everybody else, I became dependent to alcohol, and most of all- I loathed my whole being for I did not give myself a chance to heal from the wound that’s been rotting inside me, instead I jumped from using one bandage to another bandage to cover up the agonizing pain that I was feeling deep inside my heart and subconscious mind. In the end, I became a chaotic woman, who was torturing myself by reliving the past, expecting people to understand me and hoping to keep them by being dramatic.

However, regardless of what happened to me during the past months, I do not regret to be in that sloppy situation, although I repent that I did those things (knowing the fact that it affected several people around me) when I could have done something better than that. Needless to say, but it served me a lesson that I will never forget and will help me grow as a woman and become a better social being.

The people that I met in the past months have seen my descent, being burnt in my own flames of darkness and distress, but like a phoenix who is ascending from its own ashes, I am emerging again from the remains of my broken pieces. They may or may not see my rising, but the new and improved version of myself will be seen flying so high soon. 

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